dudmatic dot com

Dud is a writer who sometimes draws things.

Nov 19th, 2009 @ 11:55 am

I hate Google.

I really do. I didn’t before I started this job.

But now I do. Because my entire job revolves entirely around Google.

In order for me to explain why I hate them so much, you’ll first have to understand how Google works. I’m going to use the language I wish someone had used to explain how search engines work instead of giving me a half dozen poorly written downloadable e-books created by self-professed internet marketing gurus.

The way that Google decides what sites rank highest in searches is based almost entirely upon the number of links to that website. So if, say, you started a website about monkeys and wanted it to show up as the top ranked result when someone searches for monkeys, you’d have to have a shit ton of links on other websites leading to your monkey page.

Part of my job involves writing those random pages that link to the monkey site’s main page. I also add several pages daily to the monkey site, each centering on a different highly searched word or phrase related to monkeys.

One thing you have to remember is that Google can tell when large amounts of copy appear on several different pages. That means the copy on each individual monkey page has to be originally worded and not share content with other monkey pages. And each page has to be at least 250 words to be effective, which ultimately means I’m responsible for regurgitating roughly 1,200 words about monkeys in different sequences and combinations every day.

I don’t really write about monkeys, but I might as well.

Nov 13th, 2009 @ 3:47 pm

R.I.P. Dock Ellis

Nov 10th, 2009 @ 7:03 pm

I have internet in my home again.

I feel like I should be more excited about this.

Oct 23rd, 2009 @ 4:11 pm

I'm pretty sure a pedophile says hello to me every morning.

Every morning on the way to the train, I walk past a girls’ ballet school that’s right beside the train stop. There is an apartment right above the school with a window overlooking the front entrance. Under normal circumstances, that would probably only be marginally creepy.

But these aren’t normal circumstances, and it’s extremely unsettling. The gentleman who lives above the girls’ ballet school I walk past everyday looks like a pedophile.

A really lazy caricature of a pedophile, at that.

I don’t know how an overweight man with pederast glasses and a mustache who lives in that close of proximity to a girls’ ballet school could possibly think it would be alright to wear far-too-small short sleeve plaid shirts with an overcoat on a daily basis.

On top of his uniform, he also has a predilection to stand by the ballet school’s door with his back against the wall, perched on one leg in a manner that he clearly intends to look casual. Every morning as I pass by, there he is in his Matthew Mcconaughey stance to give me the same convicted pedophile worthy greeting of

“Hhhhhhow you doin’?”

I’m sure by this point that he is so used to people silently mouthing the word “creepy” as they walk away from him that I don’t even bother him anymore.

Oct 9th, 2009 @ 10:08 am

It's kind of sad that this has been my highlight for 2009

Oct 8th, 2009 @ 2:28 pm

I met a giraffe.

Apparently giraffes love carrots.

I’ve been absent from the internet for awhile.

I got laid off by my job, but somehow managed to get a new job the same day. My unemployment lasted all of two days, if you include the weekend.

So what do I do, you ask?

I write websites about pretty uninteresting things, using language that Google picks up. This is the beginning of 1984. Newspeak is here, folks.

Sep 24th, 2009 @ 5:46 pm

I'm almost impressed.

I walked all the way around, and every possible surface area was keyed multiple times.

I’m assuming it was done by a scorned environmentalist girlfriend who hates cowboy hats.

Sep 23rd, 2009 @ 2:25 pm

I went to a bicycle shop yesterday.

This particular shop is two stories, with a storefront full of fancy new bikes upstairs, and a Santa Claus look-alike who does repairs and Frankensteins up old bikes in the basement.

While I was looking at bar tape downstairs, I overheard someone talking about converting a crappy old Schwinn into a fixed gear. I caught the end of the conversation, and heard Sinter Klaus say that parts and labor for the entire project would cost 415 dollars. And that’s before tax, mind you.

For about 30 bucks more, this guy could have walked upstairs and bought a brand new bicycle that would actually be worth riding.

I was a experiencing an all-too familiar combination of bafflement and fury when I realized I forgot my wallet.

So I just rode home.

Sep 18th, 2009 @ 1:27 pm

This is awesome.

Matt Ziesel of Benton High School in Missouri scores a touchdown for his team to make the score 46-6. Matt - who’s a huge football fan - has Down Syndrome, and his coach asked the opposing team to let Matt get the TD he’s always dreamed of. Here’s his scoring run.

But part of me can only think how terribly wrong this could have gone.

Sep 17th, 2009 @ 9:35 am

I am currently seeking investors.

For a restaurant idea.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. 364 days a year, I look forward to Thanksgiving just for the food.

That’s why I want to start a Thanksgiving restaurant.

Not a buffet, or a take out spot. But an entire sit-down restaurant thats serves nothing but Thanksgiving dinner.

The menu would be in sections, for type of bread, main course, stuffings, sides, and of course, dessert - and would allow patrons to create a totally customized Thanksgiving dinner whenever they wanted.

You’d be able to order a bunch of dishes for a table of people and share everything, or you’d be able to order a single plate - and have one free plate of “seconds.”

There would be TV’s in there that played nothing but old Thanksgiving Day parades and Thanksgiving night football games.

The restaurant would be called THANKS, and would be open every day of the year except for Thanksgiving.

I’m currently seeking investors. Get at me.

(Actually, I’m just putting this idea out there in hopes that someone will really start this restaurant and put it in my neighborhod.)

Sep 16th, 2009 @ 11:45 pm

It's been a while since my head exploded.

*head explodes*

@ 10:53 pm

As I'm sitting here watching ESPN,

hoping the Rockies lose so that the Cubs can gain half a game in the wildcard race, all I can think about is how I wish there were an option to turn off the commentary during games.

I didn’t even know Chris Berman still did play by play, but this is atrocious.

A few weeks ago, I watched a preseason NFL game where technical difficulties made the announcers’ audio cut out for almost half of a quarter. The crowd noise and sound picked up from the field were still there, there was just no inane jabbering.

And it was great.

I personally hate television sports announcers (who aren’t these guys - and it took me a while to warm up to them). I’m of the opinion that if I understand the game and I’m watching it with my own two eyes, I have no need for some verbose, cliche-spitting taking head to narrate it for me.

This is something that I’m 95% sure that I picked up from years of watching televised sporting events with my father. I can’t remember a single game where he didn’t respond to an announcer’s observation or lighthearted quip with “We didn’t need to hear that!” or “You don’t know that’s what happened!”

Often times his comments were completely unnecessary, but at others, they weren’t - especially if Tony Kornheiser was in the booth. Man, my dad hates that guy.

But right now, I’ve got the television on mute and am playing some Neutral Milk Hotel in the background. I’d rather Have Neutral Milk Hotel on with the ambient sounds of Whatever The Stadium The Giants Play In in the background.